So after I spent roughly $60 on "Celebrity Rehab," "Sober House" and "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" I knew I had a problem. These shows were rotting my brain, and even worse, I was paying for them! But before there was even time for an intervention I was able to quit on my own, cold turkey. Dr. Drew would have been so proud.
But NOW what was I supposed to do? Sixteen waking hours laying on the couch immobile is a really long time! My next thought was, "I never get a chance to read! This will be great!" With no end to my time off of work in sight, I had the amazing opportunity to exercise my brain, get smarter, maybe even be able to answer a single question about literature correctly on "Jeopardy!" someday? Things were looking up.
I knew that the key to re-entering the world of reading was to start with a book that I wouldn't be able to put down. A real attention-grabber. One that will give me the chills, make me laugh, cry, even throw things perhaps? A piece of literature that once read, will create a momentum so great it will propel me into a far-off galaxy where people consistently read books from start to finish. A place where eyes have the power to focus on words printed on a page, and where the information read is retained with amazing clarity. You know, somewhere in outer space! Or the beyond...Timbuktu, Narnia... whatever you want to call it.
I then talked to my roommate, inquiring about such a work. I asked him, "What is the last book you started that you just pounded through because it was so engrossing that you just couldn't stop?" He recommended East of Eden. I borrowed it from him, and he was right! After the first chapter or two, once the characters started being introduced, I became more and more interested. And when I do read, even if its only for an hour or two, I feel like I accomplished something. Let's face it, its just not easy to read in this day and age! There are distractions everywhere. Even when I go on vacation, I am always sure to bring a book along. But then I plan so much stuff to do while I am away that I rarely get a moment to sit down, nevermind read. So, I read for an hour each day for a few days, but then my brain workout came to a screeching halt. As my back pain got worse, I was prescribed more painkillers. As the painkillers were increased, my ability to read decreased. I was with stupid once again.
So it was back to my Netflix Instant queue. While normally I am an avid film watcher, for some reason the emotional investment required for me to watch the kind of movies I like was just too much to bear in the delicate state that I was in. Instead, for the past few months I have exhausted every tolerable television series available through Netflix, since I don't have cable. I can't even remember all of the ones I have watched, but I know there was Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Veronica Mars, Nip/Tuck, Californication and Dexter... Then I became obsessed with reality shows again and watched Miami Ink, LA Ink, Hoarders, Obsessed, Say Yes to the Dress, Pawn Stars, even Dog the Bounty Hunter (so bad)! Of course, there was a few weeks in there where I was questioning my sexuality when I watched The L Word, Transamerican Love Story, Coming Out Stories, The U.S. of Ant, Open Bar... you get the picture. I have been no slouch either throughout this thing. I have watched each and every episode from start to finish of every season available. If there was ever a "Jeopardy!" category called "Television Shows Available through Netflix Instant," it would be a clean sweep for me!
You're probably wondering if there could possibly be a point to admitting all of these awful details that no educated weirdo would want ANYONE to know. I am bearing my soul here people. But I do want something in return for these most heinous of admissions...
ANALYZE THIS
I had two fucked up dreams, two nights in a row revolving around characters from television shows I have recently watched on Netflix Instant. What the hell is going on here? Showtime must be going to some great lengths to place their entertainment products into my very subconscious!
Dream #1: Tuesday night
Most recently, I have been watching the Showtime series Dexter. In case you haven't seen it, the main character Dexter Morgan is a serial killer. It is true that I have had a thing for serial killers in the past (as a youth I had crushes on Hannibal Lecter, Max Cady and Mr. Blonde). And while I do appreciate Michael C. Hall's execution of this role (hardy har har), I just don't fancy him to be honest. But in the dream it was another story. We were totally into each other and were making out all hot and heavy, and I knew he was a serial killer and didn't mind! Just another beautiful way to start a relationship? Things got weirder.
So me and Dexter were in my bed getting it on, and then he started to undo my pants and opened them up and there was some sort of dead animal, like a chipmunk or gerbil or something, attached to my underwear! Dexter made some joke about it, and pulled it off of my panties and then threw it somewhere in the room. I was really surprised and embarrassed (as any girl might be with dead wildlife stuck to her underwear), but he put me at ease and we continued our serial killer groupie session.
But then whenever he would make his move again to touch my panties or pull my pants down, ANOTHER DEAD ANIMAL would be stuck down there, on the front of my underwear in the vicinity of my girl junk.
???
Dream #2: Wednesday night
I was traveling through the Alps with David Duchovny (currently starring in the Showtime series Californication). Actually, the beginning of the dream seemed to take place in California, then in Europe and later, more specifically, through the Alps. It seemed like we were both traveling separately and met through some sort of happenstance... or was it kismet perhaps? As we moved from place to place, we kept bumping into each other, then bonded and formed a beautiful friendship. By the time we made it to the Alps, we just started traveling together. It was great! Companionship, intellectually stimulating conversation, beautiful scenery, fresh air and... umm David Duchovny? It was a dream come true, in the dream that is. The last part I remember before waking up was when David and I visited a glacier in Switzerland. He was sitting indian-style on the glacier and I was laying down in his lap looking up at him and the sky... I started telling him how ever since I first saw him play F.B.I. Special Agent Denise Bryson on Twin Peaks when I was a teenager, I have been turned on by transvestites and how I don't know if I will ever be sexually satisfied unless I date a tranny, due to seeing him play a cross dressing F.B.I. agent at such an impressionable age. He was deeply flattered by my confession, our friendship further blossomed, and he agreed to dress up for me later that night.
???
From here on out ANALYZE THIS will be a little game that we play, where I will confess absurd dreams that are a complete mystery to me and you will help me solve the puzzles locked inside my subconscious. Do we have a deal Gumshoe?
Send your analysis to me at secretgeeksociety@gmail.com or feel free to comment below!
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